Great American deception

That’s what I tell you, Florida lovers, never happened there: and you do not need there! Why do you now fly from Moscow for 14 hours and, having reached a flat softer place from the chair, to discover that there is not in Florida "Orbit" sugarless!

The most obvious and indisputable advantages of America include the fact that our prerequisite Russian dollar has free walking throughout its territory, which allows not to rush around the city in search of changes with the most favorable course, and pay everywhere relatives and familiar money. Actually, this big plus at the same time is practically the only one, so he was simply obliged to be a big.

No, in the whole of America I will not tell you. For Florida – please. For example, the city of Miami and the Beach monotored. Circle Further. Maybe you think there look at the American lifestyle and practice in American pronunciation? Figures – Americans in Miami no, but Nemerly Cubans and Haitians, and can be practiced here, but in Spanish, because in American they say no better than us with you. But thanks to them in Miami there is a district "Little Havana", where only you can drink decent coffee, and "Little Haiti", Where to walk do not recommend. Apparently, the national Haitian wood wood will be applied to thick stupid white tourists and in general to smear them with chicken legs in the blood, as required by the ritual.

By the way, about legs. There are no chicken legs in Florida. Breasts – yes, wings – please. The legs went to Voodoo or to us, because there are them harmful. But all the rest of the food, preferably represented by Hamburger and his brother with his cheeseburger, is visible, scary useful. It’s funny to say: I asked somehow Lobster – Dali. But very moistened with ketchup and accompanied by fried potatoes. Any French immediately end with me, it’s good that it was not there. How quite rightly noted the guide, an incredible courageous beauty of Cuban Alexey, named in the honor of Maresev, "It is impossible".

In general, Alexey can be attributed to one of Miami’s main attractions. First, the appearance of it and the cheerful temper themselves caress their eyes. Secondly, he knows seven languages, and everything is very good. Thirdly, he was very sliced ​​fled from Cuba, from which to Miami – something about a hundred kilometers. You know how much he with the family of comrades, in a boat designed for three, overcoming this distance? Week. And without water and food, because all the supplies in the turmoil forgot in the Cuban coast. And sailed so long because the misconception was broken by the brand "Vortex". So would have killed our Alex if they did not pick up the whole company floating past American fishermen. In a word, the figure is wonderful in all respects, so if you still go to Miami – ask for you to stick Alex, everyone knows him, and it will be to you as a mother’s mother.

Alex does not eat hamburger, and therefore it is not fat. In general, there are such fat people there, many that Florida looks like a favorite flock of cannibal. Moreover, it is interesting for the location of the fat on the body of the American fat man. In a Russian person, for example, the main accumulations go into the stomach; But the Russian belly, no matter how much he is, usually sticks forward and even somewhat up, appearing because of the corner for a couple of moments earlier than its carrier. Tolstoy American is not so. He has a head from above that he wants to put to another body, because it is not entirely fat, even not pussy, and it seems awful little. Then there are relatively thin shoulders and hands, and below the terrible.

The stomach here is presented not to the mountain, but the bag, freely splashing at the knee level. Fat from the back and sides all on the back and sides did not stay, and the stack on the feet. On the legs, he turned into huge bags, hillocks and blooms, free folds falling on shoes. In addition, the whole body is painted from this circulation of vessels, the whole organism is painted in blue colors. Each step is accompanied by a rhythmic body drying, usually dressed in shorts and a crowned baseball cap, well if a visor forward. It is impossible to tear away from this spectacle – apparently, smoothly and in different directions, swaying fragments produce a hypnotic effect. For trying to go through the turnstile, blocking entrance to the park, I watched indecently, without tearing off the eye. He tried to sort and sideways, and before, and the back – nothing went out. Then he pulled up as Krinolin, a falling body – oh horror, it moves completely freely on it – and passed.

Never eat hamburgers, they do it with a person.

Or walk around the city wanted? Won’t come out, Miami did not build it for this, the pedestrian here are not walking. True, there is a famous swacier called Douis Drive, the one where is the house of Versace, who was shot here. So after all and here! All dusked drive length – five hundred meters, then all the bomonds are trampled – from tourists to local mannequins, who are really a lot here, so you can look at the mannequins in Florida.

And here they brought a bunch of girls from "Playboy" – not our clear business – and they all got drunk and completely naked bathed in the pool. Scandal – because in Miami even the topless is somehow little sunbathe. Maybe not season.

True, there is a nudist beach. He is unisex, but nailed exclusively by men of sculptural buildings, throwing around languid glances from under long eyelashes. Suspicion appeared; Alex suspiciously confirmed, saying that "We have a lot of them, and they are also good as Indians".

And since the times of Phoenimor Cooper thought that the Indians are just very bad. But it is then, and now they are best. True, I can personally say for that I can not, because the Indian I saw exactly one (except for his squaw, it is so in the purest language of the Indian women, and several trampled youngsters immediately): he was although all in feathers, But on stage, where he played sonorous Indian songs, rhythmically beat in the Indian drum and danced Indian combat dances. But local about their life tells that, firstly, all the Florida casinos belong to the seminol tribe, which they themselves do not work, but only money get. Secondly, in the reservations of cigarettes, there will be eighty cents pack, and in the rest of America – three dollars. And the Indians live themselves in this paradise and drink fiery water. True, too much, and they are sick, die and produce incorrect children. But still it’s nice that there is still Siemenols in the world, although they drink, and that there is a town in Florida, who is in honor of Goyko Mitich and is called – Ocole. (But here suddenly it turned out that eighteen-year-old secretary "IOSTAN" Does not know who Goyko Mitich. So: Goyko Mitich is an actor who has played so many Indians as they never happened in the world).

However, where was the stage Indian to the main Indian of all Soviet peoples, the Yugoslav star of the German film studio "Defa", depicting a worn leader composed of fraternal mongols of the tribe! Our Goyko, Mitich was better – and face, and muscles, and painting a bitch with him, and Tomahawk fictitious! Who needs to be equal to today’s indigenous Americans, as we equal to him, shocked by him as Chingachguk – the big snake, or as Winnith – the leader of apaches, or as someone there – the son of interthound, or as the father – the chief of seminols, finally. This was then crawled to the nasty rumors, as if the hero of our childhood was blue, and he did not have real muscles. But never show American Indians not a single film studio "Defa", so they will live in the dark, not knowing what should be an exemplary Indian.

Meanwhile, Miami Beach is a place of mass accumulation of millionaires. There is a special artificial millionaire island, on which adorable pink houses are built with fifteen columns each, as well as with six floors, three turrets and air conditioning in the garden, tastefully decorated (it was under Christmas) plastic deer, cardboard Santa Claus and Golden wreaths with silver bumps. All this, of course, glows in the dark, and new Russians sobs from envy. Such beauty costs millions so seventeen to twenty. On their background, a modest lodge al-capone looks very pleasant.

Yes, and all Florida on Christmas Eve, one can say, terribly looked. For example, at the entrance to the children’s store, the administration placed plastic bear size with a three-storey house. His good-natured smirk will pursue a normal child in his nightmares – but American children, apparently, hardened and pass by without blinking by eye.

In general, in these days, Manya giantis covered the whole state. The incredible sizes of Santa Frost in fur coats are despised by the thirty-permanent Miam heat; They are surrounded by a bunnies with an increase from Mammoth and Ptashchi with the legendary bird ruh. And palm trees? All Florida’s palm trees to one proved to be worn by tiny light bulbs, why at night, of course, glow, and in the afternoon they become similar on the associated and tortured prisoners of concentration camps. Everyone goes happy and festive, as if it should be.

And I now feed my personal hatred for Kelvin Klein. It seems to be nothing he did this; But it was very much. Jeans from Klein, T-shirts from to. TO., Panties from K. TO., Socks from K. TO. I pushed the same thing to the long counters, but from Levis with Wrangler. Although, on the other hand – where to. TO. to Mickey Mouse. However, maybe they are generally one person?

I bought gifts. Slippers with Mickey Mouse, socks with Mickey Mouse and a bow, shirt with mickey maus, close golden thread and giant lollipop in the form of Mickey Maus. Think I’m crazy? No, just a lollipop in the form of Kelvin Klein, I never found.

And there was a luxurious silk tie in Mickey Mausakh. And on one Mickey Mouse was a major, submitted by one huge bust. And on the other, on the contrary – Mickey Mausi were small, but many.

And in free American sale there are diamond necklaces made up of tiny Mickey Mausov, or there are gold earrings from the same character.

And there was a shop where they traded the plates with hand painted excellent work. What do you think, artists looked around for a whose noble face?

No, let’s tell me something else. For example, about the city of Orlando. Although there is no such city, but there are fifty huge parks of entertainment and thousands of hotels. These parks – the real dream of any healthy youngster. About Disney Parks, I will not say a word anymore (besides there, namely in the park called "Magic kingdom", Where the recurrence of Mickey Mausov on one square centimeter exceeds all imaginable opportunities, nowhere will be served anyone). But I was still in a movie studio park "Universal", where I liked terrible.

Here, for example: you sit in the cinema in stereo, and the terminators climb on you. And right in the face twitch all sorts of process! But you know what is the movie, and are not afraid. And then they will explode! The whole hall as an ice fog – hereby! – Tightened! And then all the seats as they jerk, how rumbled!

Or more. Swim yourself on the flat. And from under the water on you a huge cardboard shark how to jump! And then how to jump! And then everything around explodes, water is burning, smoke rocker!

Or, for example: you are going to yourself in the New York metro. And you kin-kong how to grab how it shakes, and everything is lit and grips.

And the pride of the park "Universal" – this entertainment called "Back to the Future". I did not go there, because I did not like the expression of the face from the pavilion of holidaymakers. And even because in front of the entrance it is written that this entertainment is not recommended for pregnant women, there are older people there, as well as so many years younger than those who have claustrophobia, or dizziness, or pressure is not in order, or heart Bad. What are doing with people there, I don’t know why someone wants – let himself "Back to the Future" having fun.

Still in Orlando I visited the show called "Arab night". In the Middle Eastern historical canvas, made of fake Indians, cowboys, Russian Cossacks on the top three, medieval knights, French Guardsmen, Napoleonic times, quite European gypsies and a conditional princess, for whose hand all this company struggled. The main success of a cognitive show from the life of Sultanov can be considered its beginning when a completely lonely lone horse runs on the arena in the fog, which wanted to cry. For the success of the presentation, it would be enough if this miracle of nature had been running back and fucked, even without fog.

Shocked by how millions, probably, sensible people for relatively short historical period managed to equip their lives, that even to me who came from the country with also in general, not too ancient history (after all, Russia is not Egypt, not China , not Israel, and Rome is not even the first), everything here seems to be a relative nightmare, I completely gave myself a word Never here no longer ride.

Great American deception

But then I remembered the main thing.

Then, for example, I sit on the beach, and pelicans fly above your head. Top free wild pelicans, which I first took for Pterodactile – Wild Pterodactyl seemed to me with something much more real than living without the workers of the Zoo Pelican.

And how Pelicans fly, all sorts of birds flew, whose name I do not know. Some of them are just like seagulls, but only the size is less than the sparrow, and they are terribly ridiculously run away from the waves.

Other birds, black and slightly more than our crows appeared to change them, go in life on incredibly short legs – probably they are bird fees – and with a monstrous length of red beaks. It is not clear how they retain balance.

A, it happened, I sit in the middle of a swamp. Florida swamp, who used to be the entire peninsula – this is not exactly what we mean by the marsh; This is rather a very small lake, from which the high grass and trees grow and on which tanned men walk in high boots with very courageous expressions of their faces. Completely crazy feeling when the motor flat window rushes on this swamp – as if you are flying over the grass.

And standing for a moment to stop – alligators are going to the flat showrooms and they look at the passengers with a gullible good look. The ladies squeeze and in the feminine desire to hide from the crocodile dangerously tilted the pylon. Crocodile is interesting, he swims closer. He can chase all sorts of delicious pieces, he is happy to eat them.

But alligators here almost destroyed. But the Americans (and for it you can forgive the legion of Mickey Mouse) tried – and now crocodiles are so many that sometimes they pour even to the city.

And around, not paying attention to the bustle with the alligator, they are quietly hanging from the bushes of the snake of incredible beauty, some of them are the above courageous men recommend to stroke. Water turtles are dried on the branches – how they climbed there, no one knows.

And on the marsh leaves they resort to begging water chicken – birds who know how to run on water and do not sink. If they immediately give something to do something, they will swear in the measure of their forces and tweaked.

The most amazing thing is that it is all true: this is not a zoo, but just a piece of real nature a ten minute drive from the huge city of Miami.

Or Pink Flamingo – True, it is already in the parks – which are not afraid of anyone, and giant bright parrots, which can be fed, because in America it does not come to mind to slip the needle or dug a bright feather from the tail, and which are so gently take From the palm of the food with your kerats, capable of every situation.

Or the header, where the most fierce heart flashes, because small goats and black pigs live here, for which the bottles are sold with something delicious, – the goats that did not get, quietly rear twists clothes, and no one is angry with them, and the pig Sucks yourself from the bottle (by the way, the dollar per piece!) lying on the back and taking up thick short legs.

A lighter in the park "Universal" specially sprinkles all tail. And the dolphins take fish out of the hands, and into the pool with Lamanny, who eat only a salad, no one hurs the cigarettes and coins for happiness – on whose he pleases, but not only on Lamanin.

And dogs here go on a leash less often than children. And small children are almost all tied to parents with something like that wire that connects the telephone with its tube, so no troubles from the attached children do not have to wait, and the dogs are all kind.

So God with them, with pink mansions – someday and America will appear what is called taste and elegance, wait five hundred years, or better – a thousand. I can’t wait so long; But in order to see once again, on the background of the ocean of the ocean of the Sun, the pterodactilile flies fly, I am ready to purchase stock "Orbit" without sugar and fourteen hours to be spoken again in the aircraft chair. Moreover, on the road, the plane is planted in the Irish airport of Shannon, where you can not only drink a real Irish coffee, but also to see the portrait of who Ireish coffee for us invented.

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